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Papa Lazarou II
Learn to hate townies

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Townie Clothes

Girls:

There are generally three styles of clothing that Townie girls wear: fake-sports, prostitute, or Miss Bootlegs.
Fake sports consists mainly of the fake Tommy Hilfiger, Tommy Sports. Fleeces and polo shirts are the main items of clothing, all with the huge red/white flag logo across the chest. Other sad townie sports brands include: Donnay (teeshirts 3 for a pound down the Townie Market), Reebok (the cheapest trainers-Reebok Classics are possibly the most popular Townie trainers), Fila (very cheap down the Townie Market), and the dreaded ADIDAS TROUSERS. There aren't many variations of the Adidas trousers, but the most Townie are the most hated *stripes down the sides* with green flourescent stripes, and the poppers that undo. WE HAVE AN EXPLAINATION FOR THE POPPERS! They are there for athletes who want to take their trousers off to reveal the shorts they are wearing underneath without taking their trainers off. Not for twats who like to *think* they're sporty... (list of contributors at the bottom of the page)

The prostitute style generally consists of a black belt (they call them 'skirts'), a three-quarter length shirt or cropped vest, and uncomfortable looking *platforms* (there would be an additional section on platforms, but they disgust me so much I might just puke if I speak about them too much). They buy these clothes from either New Look or Mark One(-now, you might buy from New Look, but don't worry yourself too much-if you don't buy Townie clothes in there, don't class yourself as a Townie. Just stop shopping there...) The Townies think they look 'gawwgeous' (see Townie pronounciation guide) but really they just look like prostitutes-hence the name.

The Miss Bootleg consists mainly of the horrible 'bootleg' trousers that only Townies would want to buy-every Townie clothes shop stocks plenty of these. You know the kind-tight down to the knees, then ever so slightly flared (n.b - do NOT get these mixed up with flares-flares are nice-and to be classed as flares, trousers must flare out more than an inch, unlike bootlegs.) They're usually fake denim (100% polyester) or black. With these bootlegs, they usually make the tragic mistake of wearing a POLO shirt with them, so it makes them look really top-heavy (if they have any boobs at all-Townie girls usually look like/are boys and are not at all curvacious).

With the bootlegs they wear *platforms* exceeding 5" in height as to make them look lanky (lanky is consequently a compliment in Townie dialect-see Townie words and phrases). Also on the issue in height, Townies take great pride in their boyfriends being shorter tan them (Townie boys will always be shorter than their girlfriends-the amount of junk food they eat before 8.00am causes this freak feature of Townie boys to be widespread.


Boys:

I have been informed that there IS a Townie boy clothes variation!!! So now there are TWO styles. The first is for night, the second is for day.

Townie boys like to 'dress up' a little when they go 'clubbin' or to the local offie, and this usually includes a very flourescent polyester shirt (or shiny satin), or a checked lumberjack styleee one. Eww. And those horrible beige jeans with black loafers with those silly silver buckles on. And of course the obligitary sovereign rings and necklaces, and lots and lots of hairgel. The Townies think they look really grown up with their shirts and trousers, but we all know you can't possibly look grown up if you can't see over the bar.

The Sports Brands style consists of a large number of cheap or fake sports brands that they wear because they play football so much of the time that they think that they'll look really cool and super sporty if they don't look like they've had time to get changed from their crappy sports clothes.

Brands of fake sportswear are as for Townie girls-also the sports clothes are unisex (they're not really-the girls just don't need properly fitting tops and trousers because of their lack of boobs and buttocks) and always either made out of nylon, or one of those 'orrible polyester mixes that make 'em sweat (you'll notice that Townie boys cover up the BO with their fake Tommy cologne that they buy dwn the townie Market (see Townie jobs) that really smells of dead stuff-Townie girls find the mix irresistable.

For shoes, it's either trainers -boys favour Donnay, Reebok Classics and Fila, those black loafers with the shiny, shiny buckle, or ROCKPORT massive steel toe-capped boots, which are used for kicking in telephone boxes, lampposts, garage doors, cars.....well, anything a Townie can kick in, including people.

Townie Names

Girls:

 Chelsea (Cheww'see) Karly/Carlie (Kaww'lee) Kylie (Kiuh'lee) Cassandra (Sandruh) Kayleigh Leah Casey Stacie* Tracy/Tracie (but NOT Tracey!!) Barbie* Cindy* Shelly* Rachelle Jade Cleo/Chloe Jemma/Jenna Katie (Kay'aay) Leahanna Missy Beckie/Beckie Danielle/Daniella Nikkie/Nicky Sharon Jenna Bianca (Byan'cuh) Shirley Tammy Tanya Trish Vikki/Vicky anything that ends with -ique Donna Demi-Leigh Samantha (pronounced 'Sam' or 'Manffa') Tara Amy Natalie (Na'lee) Charmaine Kathleen (Kaffleen) *basically anything to do with dolls

Boys:

 Darren (Daz) Wayne (Wuuuuuyn) Gary (Gaz)(Gazzaaaa) Barry (Baz) Liam Jason (Jay'sun) Nathan (Nay'fun) Lee Jordan (Jawwdun) Kyle (Kiy'ww) Aaron Will (Wi'ww) Rickie (RICKAYY!) Kevin Dwayne Lance Shane Trevor (Trev)(Trevaa) Brendon/Brendan Tyrique (Tiuh'reek) Brandon Corey Any abbreviations: AJ, PJ, GG etc.

 

 

Townie hair

GIRLS: Townie hair for girls is unmistakable. The amount of wet-look gel in it is enough for you to judge that the person in front of you is a Townie. It's usually permed beyond sanity-we like to call it Poodle Perm. You know what we mean-tightly curled and gelled enouth so that you can either see each individual hair or the hair is so gelled together you can't tell if its hair or plastic. Its usually tied up in one of those irritating high ponytails, positioned high on top of the head so that it hangs over the ears (if it doesn't stick right up because of the gel). Or its got about five million little butterfly clips stuck in this bun which isn't a bun its just a lump of gel, along with five scrunchies (which went out of fashion with Poodle Perms) If it's down, then she'll have it either scraped back full of gel, or lank and greasy because Townies lack higher personal hygiene. If it's coloured, then there is only one colour-bleach blonde. They lack the amount of knowlege to actually buy hair colour-'hydrogen peroxide straight from the bottle will do it', they think. And even then, when they colour it, they don't look after it. The result: straw. .

BOYS: n.b: Many Townie boys don't actually sport Townie hairstyles- but if you can't spot the 'do', you'll spot the clothes. Townie boys also bleach their hair-but irritatingly, they only bleach the top. They think its cool to have brown hair down the sides and back-we know differently. If they don't bleach their hair, they will have one of three other styles:ski-jump,mushroom, or shaven. The mushroom style is a mistake many Townie boys make. A centre parting with long hair on top and short at the back and sides just makes their heads look hilarious, especially if they have thick hair. They think they can combat this with gel-sorry, it doesn't work. They end up with gel dandruff and crusty heads, which could come in handy for them if they like to sell a bit of coke to the 10 yr old estate kids, off their shoulders. The shaven style is when whey've taken a dog clipper to their head and gone mad. About 2mm short all over leaves their heads lumpy and you can see their scalp. Usually accompanied by acne. Overall: not attractive

Townie accessories

Townies have now formed their own unique accessorising style: poo styling. It consists of a lot of fake gold, nickel-ridden and plastic jewelery, and I'll explain as we go through all the possible accessories. *If you read this, hopefully you will be safe from any Townie trends in poo styling coming your way*

Earrings: Sometimes, the most obvious way to spot a Townie is by their earrings. If they're that ikky fake-gold creole-hoop style, then you can definately judge the person a Townie-even if they haven't got Townie hair or even Townie clothes-they only sell this style in Argos (see Townie shops) or the Townie Market.
The Townie girls will wear at least five of these earrings in each ear (including one up the top in the cartilage-although, this is not a Townie piercing), but if they aren't wearing creoles, they may be wearing huuuuuuge fake gold hoops that get caught in their Poodle Perms (see Townie hair). *GOLD JEWELERY AS A WHOLE IS CONSIDERED TOWNIE UNLESS THERE ARE SOME REAL JEWELS EMBEDDED INTO THE GOLD OF A REASONABLE SIZE*
Townie boys are also bound to be wearing just ONE earring in their ear. It will be fake gold maybe with a little plastic diamond in, or a fake gold hoop which they think looks really cool. They'll have it done before the time they're 7 as well, because the Townie mothers think that the child needs to be fashionable before he hits puberty-which we know, is nonsense.

Necklaces: The most revolting kind of necklace that a Townie would wear would be the Sovereign pendant. This consists of a large and frankly garish fake gold St. Christopher which they take massive pride in wearing with their crap Fila sweatshirts-over the top, with just the pendant poking out. Both Townie girls and Townie boys wear these-the unisex ability of Townie accessories shining through like Townie clothes do Super cool? We think not.
Other examples of Townie necklaces could be those ikky plastic 'tattoo' choker things which look like a mess of razor wire that come with matching bracelets and rings.

Bracelets: There aren't many Townie bracelets because Townies tend to wear other things on their wrists-namely scrunchies. These oversize hair accessories look yukky on hair let alone on wrists-and Townie girls will wear them with their polo shirts and sweatshirts, and especially with their bootlegs (see Townie clothes).

Rings: Sovereigns seem to be the most popular on Townie rings as well as Townie necklaces. These huge chunky rings made of fake gold can be found in any Argos catalogue as well as the Townie Market (see Townie jobs) and distort the Townies already sausage-like fingers into squidgy cold (because of cut-off circulation) wriggly things.

Townie attitude

A Townie's attitude is the one feature by which you can absolutely distinguish that the person is indeed Townie. The other things, such as dress etc. are variable, but the attitude never changes. Writing a section as blatantly obvious as this may seem silly to advanced Townie spotters, but to an amateur it could prove indispensible if one wishes to attempt to replicate a Townie's attitude for themselves:

Firstly, you must forget all etiquette you have learned since you were able to speak and gesture with some degree of comprehension. Also remove all knowledge of cooth.

Develop some inexplicable and irrational prejudices, like homophobia, xenophobia and reverse snobbery (for all those not in the know, reverse snobbery is well....the opposite of snobbery. One with reverse snobbery must feel like them being at the 'bottom' of society is far superior to having a good education, working a day in their lives, or having aspirations-therefore reverse snobs hate everyone 'above' them-which they call 'mummy's boys/girls', 'posh twats', or just 'snobs'.

If you see anyone who doesn't look like you, or just looks at you with no interest, anywhere at all, whether they be on a bus, walking past you in the street, or sitting in a cafe, feel the need to shout at them, or perhaps even 'start' on them if you are feeling particularly violent.

Disrespect all authority, whether it is your parents or a policeman/woman.

Feel the need to add expletives randomly into every sentence you speak, varying in crudeness depending on how drunk on cider or high on glue you are.

Townie Shops

Sometimes, the first way to spot if your friend is (turning into) a Townie is finding out where they shop. Read the guide below, and hopefully you will be able to save a few poor misguided souls before they are too far gone to save. So, we can split the shops into sections: Townie, and VERY Townie. Usually you will find only the truly Townie-riffic humans who shop in the VERY Townie shops, but lets hope you NEVER shop EVER in them.....

Townie

 New Look (five tops for 1 and the like)

 BWise (five tops made in Pakistan for 50p)

 Tammy (five tops for the under-12s for 1)

 Clarks shoes (the Bootlec/g shoes! Nooooooooo)

Shoefayre (plastic-o-riffic boys and gals) Woolies (sometimes, I know there's many of us who get our Easter goodies there, but it's the cheapo stuff that attracts the long-term Townie shoppers)

Argos (but JUST for the jewelery section)

VERY Townie

 Pound Stretcher* (100 tops made by 5 yr olds forced to work 20-hr days whilst being fed radioactive dye as laboratory 'guinea-pigs' by Estee Lauder in Bulgaria for 1)

Mark One (Arrrrrgh the Townieness of it all!)

Sports And Ski (Donnay, Kappa, Adidas....arrrghhh!)

 1 shop Cut Price*

 Good Deal*

 Right Price*

 Kwik Save*

 Netto

 Aldi *

Basically anything that confirms that they sell things which cost about 0.004p to produce and are *cheapo tat*.

 And of course, the one place which is absolutely definately Townie....the TOWNIE MARKET. Or TAANIE MAWWKI' if you want to practise your pronounciation. Not to be confused with good markets, like err...fruit n veg ones....and the Lock Market in Camden Town, you'll find food and drink with German instructions (they've been nicked off a lorry at the ports), lovely home-produced clothes (this season the markets seem to be riddled with pink stretchy polyester tops with 'Popstars' or 'Madonna' emblazoned on them with glitter, white tops with handprints on the breasts, tops which proclaim (and I quote from one I saw) 'You're the weakest link!' and 'Fondle with care.' Eurgh. And naturally enough, entire stalls devoted to selling bin bags and lighters.

Townie Jobs

As a rule, there aren't really that many Townie jobs-the whole concept of a job to a Townie is unheard of-they prefer the 'dole' income plan. As it says on the League of Gentlemen, on one of those funny posters:
"Earn 214 a fortnight....sign on the dole"
Hehe. Anyway, as I said, there aren't too many jobs that are Townie, but the few there are are blatantly obvious if you're even just an intermmediate Anti-Townie. You can generally split it into genders:

FEMALE:

Hairdresser-a blatant Townie job. But only for the hairdressers who stand there and cut your hair into Townie styles, and poodle perms. They think since they enjoy doing their own hair, they'll be really good at doing YOUR hair. But oh no. I had to suffer a Townie hairdresser one time...it was a joke. I described what I wanted exactly....she stared blankly at me for a few seconds with a hating look on her face then said 'oh, I don't think I know what you mean...I'll have to get the manager'. What a joke-I'd booked for a re-style! I then had to rearrange my day around another appointment...and the manager (who was also a Townie) cut my hair really crap, and left it sopping wet. Let's just say there were no tips involved.
Oh, one more thing-a MALE hairdresser is however not Townie. Men are generally better hairdressers by my experience. Oh, and if you work in an exclusive salon (Toni and Guy etc.), or even where they use Fudge, Redken or Tigi products, you're not a Townie hairdresser. K?

Beautician-God, how many Townie girls aspire to manicure nails all day?
At the local college (Brunel, near Uxbridge) they even have a whole BLOCK for beautician's studies and hairdressing! It's just the same as hairdressing-they think because they like to do their nails all day they'll like to do somebody else's all day. It's just sad how they think t's such a glamourous job, waxing bikini lines and perming eyelashes. Hehe.

Stripper/Hooker-Hehe. The most Townie of jobs. Selling your body to crinkly old pervs. I'm sure all Townie teens have thought of stripping for money once or twice-they already practically strip all day with their tiny low-cut tops revealing drawn-on cleavages. 'They want somebody to love them'-when will somebody teach these lost girls moral values?!

MALE

Townie Market Employee-Arrrrrrgh! One of THE most Townie jobs-this job is completely exclusive to Townies, so its just so funny to laugh at them-especially when the men are selling 5 bras for 1! Hoohoo! You won't usually find women working the stalls in the Townie market-they're off shopping for nappies, or watching Trisha.

Cowboy Builder/Plumber/Artexer/Roofer-Ah yes, the scourge of the Yellow Pages, the COWBOY BUILDER. How could anybody live with the guilt that they've just tricked a poor blind old woman out of her life savings of 4000, AND probably endangered her life further by putting unsafe pipes into her heating system?? I mean you see enough of them on Crimewatch and it disgusts me-I bet they also claim the dole and disability benefits.

Garage Mechanic (plate swapper)-Townie men love making themselves feel better about themselves by surrounding themselves with (stolen) cars and (void) tax discs...to make up for their small...statures. Yes.

Town Centre Security Guard-Other men who need to make themselves feel bigger-only now they have the security codes to every shop in the town centre....and they can fix the CCTV cameras while they raid them. Hehe.

UNISEX

Holiday Rep.-Every Townie wants a job in the sun, out of England-and into the Mediterranian England. Think Benidorm...Costa Del Sol...and the dreaded IBIZA. The most Townie holiday destinations (coming to a Townie website near you! I mean, I'll be adding a new Townie Holiday page soon) conatin Townie workers. They think it'll be a right larf looking after kids in a 5-9yr old club every day, or look after randy 20yr old pubescent adults on their 18-30 holiday. What they don't know is they actually need to speak a foreign language (have language skills at all-most Townies can't actually speak English) and have to sleep in tents or cockroach-ridden apartments for 6 months at a time (come on, you've all seen that docusoap).


Townie Music

Sometimes, if you're not sure about a person (whether or not they're a Townie) because you can't see their clothes or hair (it might be dark), or you can;t be sure of their accent (you're from another part of the globe, or partially deaf), the musical tastes of Townies is unique to them alone. We normal people (well, in our eyes we're normal anyway) do not need to rely on the chart or 'Now That's What I Call Music's to dictate what we like and dislike. We work out on our own that manufactured music is crap, and that any band which can be appreciated from the age of 3 onwards (and the band are proud of this since they boast about producing their own weaning kits and portable pottys with logos on) can't surely be good for you.
I'll make it easy for you and split it up into categories.

*PLEASE NOTE* Any comments I make about these types of music (ie. saying they're crap) i've based on the widely available chart versions of the genres. I'm sure anybody who's into, oh, say...Hardcore Boybands *snigger* would recognise this and not be offended when I slag off a chart version of the music.

RAGE AGAINST THE MAINSTREAM... DO NOT TOLERATE CHART COMPILATION CDS.

Bubblegum pop

Boy Bands

Garage

Avril Lavigne