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Papa Lazarou II
Learn to speak Townie


Learn to speak Townie
Homage to Che Guevara
Help Me, I'm Scared! Phobiasaurus
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Homage to the Dictators
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Stuff from the 1st site

Learn to speak fluent townie (hint: avoid using multisyllabic words in their presence, you will not fit in)


Still being researched.


Please note - although most verbs are usually prefixed by an expletive, I don't think we need to include these here.

Tick - basically means 'good'. Usually used by a female muppet when talking about a male muppet.

Phat - Also means 'good' or 'impressive'. Often used when referring to the plastic spolier on a car or a suitably diabolical piece of 'garridge' music.

Large - Impressive. As in 'This club's large, innit!' Note - for extra  impact, this may be prefixed with 'well'.

Buff - See 'Tick'. Buff usually refers to the muppet who spends his dole money on a gym membership.

Rude - Believed to be derived from the 'bad' era where a word's logical meaning is reversed. Thus something which is 'rude' is usually good.

Massive - Good on a grander scale - can be used to describe a club, a CD or in some rare cases the traditional English meaning is used.

Safe - Usually follows an act of kindness, such as someone letting you scive the dreads of tea out of the bottom of their cup...or something. May be used to describe a likeable person.

Sound - see 'safe'

Sweet - Ah, I've found a penny!



Ho/ Bitch - Used by a male muppet when referring to his girlfriend or a girl who he would like to be his girlfriend in a third person sense.

Blud - Refering to a member of that townie's posse/hood.

Bruvva/Brer - Normally used when a male muppet is describing another male muppet. A 'brer' is usually someone from the same 'hood'.

Sista/Yat - Female version of 'Brer'. Usually indicates an overopinionated, butt ugly slag with a squeaky voice, who acts like she's on Oprah.

Hood - An area that muppets come from. Usually a run down council estate but can be used on a grander scale to mean an entire town.

Posse - The collective term for a gang of Muppets. Usually characterised by their shuffling gate and the cloud of 'Ilfiger that hovers around them

Click - From the French 'Clique'. Usually used to describe a female group of friends - the laydee muppet equivalent of the Posse.

Massive - Thought to be a group of muppets who are going out somewhere - used mainly on radio phone-ins - as in 'big shout to the Crawley massive'

Drum - Some muppet's house (prefix 'free' added to indicate that no authority will be present)



Some words seem to have no grammatical meaning whatsoever and can be used in virtually any part of the sentence, or simply shouted at random intervals.

Innit - Used at the end of most sentences in place of a full stop.

Bo - Can be 'booo' in some places. Usually used to indicate to other Muppets that another member of the 'Posse' has arrived.

Selectaaa - The response to someone shouting 'bo'. Both taken from that shite Artful Dodger tune with Mincer boy Craig David who seems to piss himself frequently


Some phrases that may be heard while observing townies complete with a rough english translation.

Turn that shit off! - I'm sorry but my intellect is not advanced enough to comprehend such a peice of music that does not repeat itself

Wha..? - I'm sorry, I do not understand

Shut up! - I'm sorry, I do not understand

Fuck off! - I'm sorry, I do not understand

Get Lost! - I'm sorry, I do not understand

I'm gonna deck ya! - I'm going to run at you while flailing my arms wildly in order to look like a complete twat

I'm gonna kill ya! - I'm going to chase you for a few seconds until the 6 year old layer of tar covering my lungs forces me to stop